Saturday, December 13, 2008

What to buy a man for Xmas.

Buying gifts for men is not nearly as complicated as it is for women. Follow these rules and you should have no problems.

Rule #1: When in doubt, buy him a cordless drill. It does not matter if he already has one. I have a friend who owns 17 and he has yet to complain. As a man, you can never have too many cordless drills. No one knows why.

Rule #2: If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with the word ratchet or socket in it. Men love saying those two words. "Hey George, can I borrow your ratchet?" "OK. By-the-way, are you through with my 3/8-inch socket yet?" Again, no one knows why.

Rule #3: If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for his car: a 99 cent ice scraper, a small bottle of de-icer or something to hang from his rear view mirror. Men love gifts for their cars. No one knows why.

Rule #4: Never buy men bathrobes. Once I was told that if God had wanted men to wear bathrobes, he wouldn’t have invented Jockey shorts.

Rule #5: You can buy men new remote controls to replace the ones they have worn out. If you have a lot of money, buy your man a big-screen TV with the little picture in the corner. Watch him go wild as he flips, and flips, and flips.

Rule #6: Do not buy any man industrial-sized canisters of after-shave or deodorant. I'm told they do not stink -- they are earthy.

Rule #7: Buy men label makers. Almost as good as cordless drills. Within a couple of weeks there will be labels absolutely everywhere. "Socks. Shorts. Cups. Saucers. Door. Lock. Sink." You get the idea. No one knows why.

Rule #8: Never buy a man anything that says "some assembly required" on the box. It will ruin his Special Day and he will always have parts left over. No one knows why.

Rule #9: Good places to shop for men include Northwest Iron Works, Parr Lumber, Home Depot, John Deere, Valley RV Center, and Les Schwab Tire. (NAPA Auto Parts and Sears Clearance Centers are also excellent men's stores.) It doesn't matter if he doesn't know what it is. ("From NAPA Auto, eh? Must be something I need. Hey! Isn't this a starter for a '68 Ford Fairlane? Wow! Thanks.")

Rule #10: Men enjoy danger. That’s why they never cook - but they will barbecue (No one knows why). Get him a monster barbecue with a 100-pound propane tank. Tell him the gas line leaks. "Oh the thrill! The challenge! Who wants a hamburger?"

Rule #11: Tickets to a football game are a smart gift. However, he will not appreciate tickets to "A Retrospective of 19th Century Quilts." Everyone knows why.

Rule #12: Men love chain saws. Never, ever, buy a man you love a chain saw. If you don’t know why, please refer to Rule #7 and what happens when he gets a label maker.

Rule #13: It's hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an aluminum extension ladder. Never buy a real man a stepladder. It must be an extension ladder. No one knows why.

Rule #14: Rope. Men love rope. It takes them back to their cowboy origins, or at least the Boy Scouts. Nothing says love like a hundred feet of 3/8" manila rope. No one knows why.

The boys from Abercrombie

Poor Homer


Live? Really?



I love the looks on their faces.



Scary but true


Steal my dolly, will you?


Try Yes.

They have never forgotten.


Let's make rabbits


Thursday, December 11, 2008

An oldie but a goodie

Dear Employees:

It has been brought to management’s attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers.

Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.

We do, however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers.

Therefore, a list of 18 New and Innovative ‘TRY SAYING’ phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.

Number 1

TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don’t know what the fuck you’re doing.

Number 2

TRY SAYING: She’s an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She’s a fucking bitch.

Number 3

TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: And when the fuck do you expect me to do this?

Number 4

TRY SAYING: I’m certain that isn’t feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No fucking way.

Number 5

INSTEAD OF: You’ve got to be shitting me!

Number 6

TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with…
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a shit.

Number 7

TRY SAYING: I wasn’t involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It’s not my fucking problem.

Number 8

TRY SAYING: That’s interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the fuck?

Number 9

TRY SAYING: I’m not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF: This shit won’t work.

Number 10

TRY SAYING: I’ll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the fuck didn’t you tell me sooner?

Number 11

TRY SAYING: He’s not familiar with the issues.
INSTEAD OF: He’s got his head up his ass.

Number 12

TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF: Eat shit and die.

Number 13

TRY SAYING: So you weren’t happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my ass.

Number 14

TRY SAYING: I’m a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF: Fuck it, I’m on salary.

Number 15

TRY SAYING: I don’t think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your ass.

Number 16

TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This fucking job sucks.

Number 17

TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the fuck died and made you boss?

Number 18

TRY SAYING: He’s somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He’s a prick.

Thank You,
The Management

Via email.

Very Little Monks


My Personal Slogan

Your Slogan Should Be

Lydia - Delightfully Tacky, yet Unrefined

The Slogan Generator

You seriously just put in your name. It's like it knows me. I'm a little bit freaked.

More popluar than Jesus


Curried Lamp Soup

I wonder which part of the lamp they use.

Via Email (Thanks Sascha!).


This cat does an excellent Look of Death.

Worst game ever.


Good point.


Hooker Price List

So what I want to know is how long does this money buy? Ten minutes? An hour? A lifetime?



Wonder Woman's Feminine Vanity

Yes, I'll stumble around blind, rather than save my life, because I'm a chick. Good.

Cool stop sign


Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Ever have that feeling you're being watched.....


Hula Hoops


It's like they read my mind.....



I haven't heard it called dejections before.
And I love that the last little creature is grateful. Bless.

This must be where all those politicians go....


Farking Camera


Men's Underwear Repair Kit


Personal Stargate


Fear Itself


Analog Retirement Party


Headcrabs... Or Ice bugs?


Tuesday, December 09, 2008

Zen Comic


Do not read


Or else!


Chuck Norris Goggie


Damn, better cancel those plans I made....


Alcohol warning

I actually don't need alcohol for this to be true - my whisper is about as subtle as a jackhammer.

Drug Dealers Versus Software Developers

Drug dealers

Software developers

Refer to their clients as "users".

Refer to their clients as "users".

"The first one's free!"

"Download a free trial version..."

Have important South-East Asian connections (to help move the stuff).

Have important South-East Asian connections (to help debug the code).

Strange jargon:
"Stick", "Rock", "Dime bag," "E".

Strange jargon:
"SCSI", "ISDN", "Java", "RTFM"

Realize that there's tons of cash in the 14- to 25-year-old market.

Realize that there's tons of cash in the 14- to 25-year-old market.

Job is assisted by industry's producing newer, more potent mixes.

Job is assisted by industry's producing newer, faster machines.

Often seen in the company of pimps and hustlers.

Often seen in the company of marketing people and venture capitalists (same thing).

Their product causes unhealthy addictions.

DOOM. Quake. SimCity. Duke Nukem 3D. 'Nuff said.

Do your job well, and you can sleep with sexy movie stars who depend on you.

Damn! Damn! DAMN!!!


Robin! Don't do it!


Things Bears Love: Drunks

For the rest make clicky here.

I am the Green Goblin

Which Super villain are you?

The Green Goblin

Personality Test Results

Click Here to Take This Quiz
Brought to you by quizzes and personality tests.

Monday, December 08, 2008

Not again....

So, again, I figure I am: a person who talks to pets more than God, a computer freak and a rebellious woman. Not quite as bad as before, but I'm still screwed.
The questions I have for this guy are: What about the child molesting heterosexuals? Are they OK by you? Or do you fit into that category yourself, so you couldn't add it to your sign?
This sign just sums up what I love most about extremely religious people.
They are so welcoming and accepting.


Have I been doing it wrong? Do you microwave before or after? Why didn't someone tell me?!?!?

More random bumper stickers.