1. Good Lord. I can't believe I'm at a public pool. Why doesn't somebody just pee directly on me?
2. I’m too tired to slap you. Bash your face against my palm.
3. No one in the world would believe you're straight. You fell out of the gay tree, hitting every gay branch on the way down. And you landed on a gay guy... and you did him.
4. If my brain could still send signals to my face, you'd see I'm horrified right now.
5. I forget, what are you these days, gay or straight? Wait, let me do a little test. Okay, there's a penis and a vagina in a tent. And it's on fire. Which do you save?
6. Honey, I would suck the alcohol out of a deodorant stick
7. Rule number one. Unless you're served in a frosted glass, never come within four feet of my lips.
8. It's Christmas, for goodness sake. Think about the baby Jesus: up in that tower, letting his hair down... so that the three wise men can climb up and spin the dreidel and see if there are six more weeks of winter.
9. Your boyfriend's a big flaming feather-wearing man-kissing disco-dancing Vermont-living Christina Aguilera-loving Mikanos-going, honey, take it on home.
10. Husbands come and go but the Chanel sling back is forever.
11. I know what guilt is. It's one of those touchy-feely words that people throw around that don't really mean anything... You know, like 'maternal' or 'addiction'
12. Hey, fat boy! You know the rules! No dessert until we can see your neck!
13. I'm fabulous. I'm an incredible dresser, I've got buckets of money, I'm a hoot and a half and I got a killer rack.
14. You'll do it like every self-respecting woman does. Get on your back, point your heels to Jesus and think of hand bags
15. Oh honey, we're so much alike! We both love me.
Via
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