Peter F*cking Russell F*cking Clark

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9nsP4QsMiFA

F*cking Brilliant.

The Pleasure Box

I attended/co-hosted a Pleasure Box party last night - AKA Fuckerware.

Excellent fun.

Can't wait for my package to arrive!

I didn't get the nipple clamps or the glass dildo, but there is always next time.

To see their range, make clicky here.

These stupid things I have done.....

I have been thinking a lot this week about stupid things I have done, starting mid 1989 when I sent a perfume-soaked heartfelt love letter to Cameron Smith and became the laughing stock of Edenhope High School for several decades. Or about a week. Not sure which.

And lets not forget (God knows I never will) the News Year Eve party in 1997 where I drank my own body weight in Cock Sucking Cowgirls, made in cream cheese glasses. Did you know cream cheese glasses hold a LOT more than shot glasses? Well after consuming said Cowgirls, I confessed my undying love for SH* and then proceeded to projectile vomit all over Mrs Conlon's dining room, in front of all the cool kids. I still haven't lived that one down in certain circles.

There are many aspects of my "love life" (and I use that term loosely) which could be put in this same category. Some more recent than others, some more stupid than others.

What's most sad is that you would think I would learn from my mistakes.

If I could turn back time indeed. That Cher is a wise, wise woman.

*Name omitted for legal reasons.

From The Daily Show Newsletter:

HYBRIDIZATION IN THE UKAfter a lengthy debate among members of the Human Fertilisation and Embryology Authority (HFEA), Britain's fertility regulator said Thursday it would allow scientists to create human-animal hybrid embryos for research. While the decision does provoke obvious ethical questions, scientists considered it less controversial than the suggested alternative of stealing embryos from werewolves. Researchers want to produce hybrids that are 99.9 percent human and 0.1 percent animal, which coincidentally, was what fellow Statistics club members called me back at Black Horse Pike Regional high school. Just be thankful Vis-à-vis pens weren't around back then, or I could have done some serious damage. John Smeaton, national director of the Society of the Protection of Unborn Children, said the decision was creating "sub-human" slaves, and was a "disastrous setback for human dignity." Though Smeaton did have to admit that it was "an incredible boost for animal dignity." He added, "I mean, with all the shit eating and running around naked, they haven't really had any dignity until now. Except maybe lions."

Bless.

Drink Apple Juice. OJ will kill you.

Reports have been circulating for the last couple of days that OJ Simpson's girlfriend has been admitted to hospital with serious injuries after a "fall". Christine Prody, who has been dating OJ on and off since 1999, has a significant head injury after supposedly falling at a gas station in Miami.

I have some questions:

1. First, is it just me, or is she a dead-ringer (no pun intended) for Nicole Brown-Simpson.

2. Why, oh why, would you date OJ Simpson?

3. Where was OJ when Christine had this "fall"?

4. WHO IN THEIR RIGHT MIND WOULD DATE OJ SIMPSON?!?!?!?!?

5. Will someone PLEASE put this man in jail?!? I don't really care why. Armed robbery, threatening witnesses, murder, general bastardry. Surely some charge has to stick.

As my favourite T-Shirt says "Drink Apple Juice. OJ Will Kill You". Buy one just like mine here.

10 Sleeps to go....

10 Sleeps to go....

10 Sleeps to go....

10 Sleeps to go....

10 Sleeps to go....

Until my favourite day of the year - THE OSCARS!!!!!

WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I was going to totally crack the poos if the WGA strike had affected the ceremony, but now that is over (as of this week) I can relax and prepare for the show.

I have my formal dress and Wonder Woman Tiara ready.....

And the award for procrastinator of the year goes to.....

Yep, me.

Uni starts back next week and have done maybe one tenth of the things I intended to do over the break. I kept putting things off because "I still have time".

Now I want to read three books, organise my life and teach myself to knit. Today.

That's practical.

*Sigh*

Crackerjack.

Crackerjack.

Crackerjack.

Crackerjack.

Life lessons

It's funny how sometimes you have an experience that teaches you some thing about yourself. I guess I try to learn something from every experience, but sometimes a particular experience will stay with you for a while.

These are just a few of the lessons I have learnt about myself in the last couple of weeks:

1. I'm way too trusting of other people. I think I knew that already, but it has been rammed home of late. I let someone lie to me repeatedly and chose to ignore it.

2. Trust the pit crew. I have a core group of friends who I turn to for support and advice. The pit crew. They get me physically and emotionally ready for the world. Some of them are new to the crew, some have been around for decades. All of them have my best interest at heart. ALL of them gave me the same advice, and I ignored it. I'm sorry, I won't do it agian.

3. I'm not studying criminology for nothing. To cut a long story short, I was conversing with someone who had not told me many details about themselves. I had a revelation late one night, and looked online with the information I did have - first name, nickname, job, hobby. Success. I even found a picture. One of my most satisfying moments ever was meeting, and seeing that I had indeed found him online. This is the best lesson of them all - don't fuck with me, coz I will find you online.

Onwards and upwards.

Wulffmorgenthaler

It is comics like this that make life worth living.

See more here.

Zachary Benjamin Humphries

Here is baby Zac, my newest "nephew", who was born October 27th (Yes, I know I am slack). Oh and some pics of his big brother Rohan too!

Amy and Emma's Birthday Wedding Sensation

Amy and Emma's Birthday party this year was a Suburban Bliss Wedding. Emma was the bride(that should be bridezilla!!!) and Amy was the groom. Guests could be bridal party, mothers of the bride, sleazy uncles etc.

I went as the ultimate white trash bride - fat, knocked up, tattoo on my boob, thongs and wearing a necklace that said "available".

I was hot.

Why I am so slack?

It is an excellent question. Why has it been since June that I have not posted on this blog?

Is it studies? After all I have started my Masters in July.

Work? Working two jobs can be tough.

Mum's health? I have certainly not been feeling all that much like writing about just how crappy my life has been lately.

Facebook? My name is Lydia, and I am a Facebook addict. Very true. Who knew getting your picture of a vampire to "attack" someone else's picture of a vampire could be so damned addictive? Finding people I went to school with has also been.... Let's just say terrifying and leave it at that.

Really lame G Rated computer games? My addiction to games where I run a diner, build houses or bake cakes is as hilarious as it is sad. I just cannot stop. Beauty salons. Gardening. Pizza shops. You name it, I'll play it. Don't expect me to do real work though.

I guess it is probably all of the above.

So, once again, I pledge to write some of my ramblings on this blog and to occasionally be funny. Damned funny.

Rohan, aged 1 year

This is my "nephew" Rohan. Isn't he gorgeous!

Debra's Britney Spears Moment

As Debra is going to lose her hair from the chemo, I shaved her head for her the other day. Now she looks like Evie from V for Vendetta or a sane Britney Spears.

I'm a wanted criminal - sort of....

On Tuesday night a group of girls from my weekend work went out for dinner at a restaurant in Clayton. It was a place I had been to many years ago, and they had been shit, but they had changed hands since then, so I figured they might be better now. And we were going there because Linda had an entertainment card which gave us a discount at this place of "Up to $30 or 30% off".

The food was lovely. The service was a bit slow, but nothing too bad. The bill came and they had only given us $18 off - they had given us the cheapest meal as a discount. There was nowhere on the discount voucher stating that this was how they calculated the discount, so Linda went to question the Junior Manager. She was adamant that this was all the discount they give, flashing a laminated sign out of sight of the customers and offered to call the manager. We waited about 10-15 minutes for the manager, but having received no response, Linda gave the waitress $191 ($6.50 less than the total they had asked for) as well as her phone number and we left.

We had made our way to our cars and were all driving off when the Junior Manager and the Chef raced out onto the street and started arguing with us and standing in front of our cars. I drove off from the Chef as he was still yelling at me. I half expected to find the police waiting for me when I got home.

The manager has since rung Linda, demanding the $6.50 and threatening to call the main manager. If I was the owner/main manager of this restaurant I would be sacking these employees as they have guaranteed a huge amount of bad PR for the restaurant. All they had to do was have a sign displayed prominently saying that the discount they had advertised in the entertainment card book was incorrect.

Linda has submitted a complaint to the entertainment card people and if all 7 of us tell ten people, who tell ten people, who tell ten people.... They are going to be out of business VERY soon over less than $1 per person.

Apparently there is a web site where you can give bad restaurant reviews - I'm off to find it now.

All your base are belong to us.

Here is one of my favourite things - All your base are belong to us. It is a bit of a phenomena. Read more about it here.


And now another take - All your snakes are belong to us.

Look around you

I have been recently introduced to the wonders of a BBC2 show called "Look Around You". It's a spoof of the science education shows we were forced to sit through in school.
This one is probably my favourite, but if you look on YouTube, there are many fine episodes. Enjoy!

Cletus the Fetus

Fantastically sick! The perfect present for the religious freak in your life.

Check out the whole range here.

MP4 Engrish

So I got a new MP4 player a couple of weeks ago. I opened the manual for something the other day and low and behold - suberb Engrish!




I won't quote the whole thing as that would be a tad excessive, but here are some of the highlights: (as in original)

"The MP3 figures walkman product that uses our company to you first means a with gratitude!"

"Can be as soon as possible relaxed for the sake of you from if ground the operation this machine, please before you start use this machine careful read the manual that we provide random, for the purpose of your ability the right usage was a machine originally"

"Use don't let the player fall off to fall"

"Want in specially hot, cold and many dusts with damply, the aridity of the environment to use a player"

"... our company is all irresponsible"

"Get stripe the completion retreats and break a conjunction of open the MP3 and PC machine"

"When the conversion progress attains 100% after hint the conversion completion, mean the video frequency converts success, the empress of the conversion of the document delivers through the USB data line to then the hold type medium player, can immedicately start to take a look at"

I know what all of those words mean, but I have no idea what any of that says.

Freakin' BRILLIANT!!!!